I have stopped keeping it a ‘secret’ that I have been through crap in life; enough to last me several lifetimes. I’m not the type of person who will go out of her way to hurt someone who has hurt me but I’d be lying if I didn’t harbour it in me. I have made many friends along the way. Some have stuck around and many have moved on. Maybe it was me who moved on. Either way I know and have learnt that the only constant in life is change.
I’m sitting here this morning suddenly overcome with great sadness as I relive moments that changed my world around forever. Not many months ago I lost someone who I deemed as my best friend and dearly loved and thought the world of and suddenly we were not friends anymore because I dared to say what I felt deeply. In return I got a torrent of abuse from this person, who obviously couldn’t handle what I had said and demanded to be given his life back because I had suddenly become a problem and was too demanding. That hurt greatly. It really did and I did as requested. I ‘gave back’ his life to him by choosing to keep away. Isn’t that what is meant by ‘I want my life back’?
I met him after the abusive episode and he said he just needed time to calm down. Fair enough. But I didn’t think I was ready to put up with a torrent of abuse again. I have put up with it enough in my life and vowed I would never let anyone compromise my integrity by abusing me. In my mind I did what was best for me and for this friend of mine. I chose to keep away. In all fairness, I had no right to be in his life if he wanted to build fences around him and if I had become a problem to him as he coldly told me.
In all this time I have missed him a lot. He was my best friend. I communicated with him every single day so naturally I missed him. I still do and the only thing that stops me from calling him up and saying let bygones be bygones is that I know I’ll only get abused again. I know how to move on. Not let go but move on. I’ll live, I know, albeit miserably, but I also know I did right unto myself. I didn’t allow ANYONE, no matter who it was, to abuse me and get on with it.
So then why is it that I still hope to hear from him and be allowed to feel we’re friends again…?