…and not all who wander are lost.
~Tolkein

I’m the type of person who takes everyone and everything at face value. I don’t probe deeper or question motives thinking that no one would want to hurt or harm me. I give benefit of the doubt all the time and even when I’ve been wronged I still have the ability to forgive even though I swear I will never do so. Something in me just doesn’t allow me to hold grudges.

The only problem here is that I end up carrying a lot of baggage (mostly emotional and painful) and sometimes this clouds my vision when making judgements especially when trying to decide what’s wrong or right. Because my baggage has a painful ‘weight allowance’ which takes up most of the space anyway, I tend to to want to let go of that pain and only embrace good. So instead of questioning motives or wondering about the presence of some people in my life who end up being pretty toxic to me, I embrace them and welcome them into my world which I’m trying to make a happy place, and perhaps find some happiness in it myself. I’ve often heard and read that being nice to someone will never take anything away from you but I’m beginning to feel this is so wrong. I’m nice even when someone deliberately hurts me and I don’t ever seem to fight back or question.

Often I ask myself why I do this to myself as I sob into my pillow and  I never have any answers. I guess I’m just looking for what I happen to THINK is happiness. Maybe it’s at my feet right now and I don’t seem to realise it because of the pain I allow myself to feel.

I guess I’ll just keep trudging along life with my baggage looking for ever-lasting happiness of sorts because not all who wander are lost…