Meet The Bastard Baker

Please give a small bio of yourself.

My name is MR BASTARD and I love baking with my BASTARD TEAM. I am an ageless entity made of pure energy. I am beyond the grasp of average humans.
Instgram:ย thebastardbaker
Facebook:ย thebastardbaker
Phone: 0768 188 387

How do you think people perceive you?

I think people perceive me as a slightly psychotic, depressive and mouthy nut job. most of the time.

What do you think about when youโ€™re alone in your car?

When I’m alone in the car I think of what to unleash next onto unsuspecting Nairobi. A new DONUT? Or Cookie? Or something new?

Tell us something we donโ€™t know.

Something you don’t know: BASTARD BAKER is a husband and wife team. We are both BASTARDS and BAKERS.

Part of The Bastard Baker. (Glam version)

How many friendships have you ruined because you refused to play a game of Monopoly mercifully?

I fucking hate monopoly so havent’ ruined any friendships over this.

How long does it take you to scroll through Instagram before you eventually give up?

Takes me 10mins before I give up on instagram. There’s only so many naked bitches, cars and gadgets a man can stare at.

What do you think cats dream about?

Fuck cats man. Selfish horrible creatures.

If you were a Disney/ mythological character, who would you choose to be?

I would like to be Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. I would act like a fucking HO and get what I want. Always. And play with myself.

Youโ€™ve got to give one up:



ย I’d give up cheese.

Why wouldnโ€™t you give up the other?

I love coffee too much and NEED IT.

What do you think is completely overrated in this world?

Having kids is completely overrated.

What series are you watching currently and would you recommend it to others?

ย I’m watching DARK season 3 right now on Netflix. It’s a German series which is insanely good.

If you have no financial restrictions at all, what would be the one thing you would buy for yourself?

I would buy myself a private island if I had an unlimited budget. I don’t really like people.

Do you ever compliment yourself? Do you acknowledge your success or the good job that youโ€™re doing?

I compliment my team all the time! We are part of a well oiled machine which has many parts.

Who applauds your success the most?

Our customers applaud our success the most. They have invested in us and get so excited.

Five worldly possessions you cannot live without.

Five things I can’t live without: Phone, Kindle, Vape, Nintendo Switch and Power Bank. That’s my life right there.

Whatโ€™s your favourite holiday destination that youโ€™ll go to again and again?


Whatโ€™s your honest opinion on family Whatsapp groups?

All my fam whatsapp groups are on mute. For a year. Then they get re-muted. A year later.

Lastly, youโ€™ve been gifted an elephant. You canโ€™t give it away or sell it. What would you do with it?

I would keep the elephant! Such amazing creatures. Fuck where am I gonna put it…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.